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Still not 100% sure how I'm feeling. Still stressed and anxious, still upset.

I put up the little fiberoptic Xmas tree and I have this horrific green glittery tree skirt to cover up the base. I actually have several things to wrap and I'm collecting some Xmas theme trinkets and stuff to make "goody bags" for my nieces.

My apartment is a mess. Too tired and stressed and achey to clean even though it's awful right now. Blah.

I stopped at the mall to get some 7/16 Kaos silicone eyelets and a 2g taper set. I'll have to do my seconds slowly. Just for curiosity, I folded up the 7/16 Kaos bearskins and put them in to see, and I got it to unfold completely! My right one is just sliiiightly tighter, but otherwise they fit just fine. So, I tried my 10mm DF glass dichro I got months ago and I could get them in too! My ears self-stretched to 7/16! Now why can't my seconds budge for me, then???

This is exciting, it means I am at goal! And I love the big ol' holes and the black earskins! I wanted clear but they were out, but black is sexy anyway. But now I have two sets of 00g earskins I can't wear. The hole size difference is SO noticeable between them too, I love it. And I've forgotten to change from skins to plugs before and found it nice and comfortable when I sleep, so I'll be using these at night.

Now just need to get my seconds to 2g damnit.
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Holy shit these 4g CBRs are absolutely ridiculous.
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I am going to need access to gaugetrade soon :/ It's closed membership, but eventually I'm going to need to be able to sell the plugs I don't need. They're all glass/pyrex too so easily sterilized.

I need more new ear pictures but I just can't be bothered right now. Ugh.
senusenu: (Insomnia)
I HAVE BEEN IN BED FOR FOUR HOURS AND. CAN. NOT. FRIGGING. SLEEP!!!

I can't get comfortable. Too hot too cold too many covers not enough too much fan too little air movement too thirsty too hungry too irritable need to pee too much too much noise too much silence too much pain too many thoughts too horny too bored keep tossing and turning knees hurt back hurts hips hurt ankles hurt arms hurt head hurts

Took a hydrocodone and a couple of benedryl OH SWEET WEPWAWET OPEN THE DOORWAY TO MY DREAMS or I may hang myself. MAKE IT STOP HURTING PLZ SEKHMET I BEG OF YOU. Dear Khonsu consume the heart of my enemy named INSOMNIA

Or chop off my head and take me up to the great Duat where I will no longer hurt in my body in my mind in my heart.

GIVE ME 3000 DOLLARS FOR SURGERY AND RECOVERY TIME OMG I WANT TO DIIIIEEEEEE x_________x
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Having a bad time of everything right now. A very bad mental state. I've been neglecting myself, and simple things like eating or bathing feel extraordinarily difficult and beyond my abilities. I really had to push myself to go shower, and then it was so hard not to collapse in there until the water ran cold or I passed out.

I am sure that running out of Buspar for two days didn't help. I could feel myself spiraling down. And even tho I picked it up today, I still feel like it's the end of the world.

I feel like I'm never going to be loved again. I feel utterly sorry for myself and I hate it and I know it's probably from missing this damn medication.

Only thing I can console myself with is I took a pic today in which I actually think I look attractive, for once.
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I am so fucking bored.

Oh my god.
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I had extremely vivid, extremely terrifying, extremely disturbing nightmares. All. Night. Long.

At LEAST three distinct nightmares, each in full Technicolor. I woke up after each expecting the monsters to follow me into reality.

Needless to say, I still don't feel much better than last night. Ugh.
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Still not feeling well, still have a headache. Finding moving or just having motivation in general difficult. I feel achy and stiff all over my body, tense, too warm even though it's nearing 60 degrees outside.

I don't know what to do with myself right now.
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I'm wearing my Kaos clear earskins! It's comfortable and I like the look of the big holes. I'll need to get some proper 7/16s later at some point too, since these are 00g.

I'm very happy with my ears and my tiny collection, though that collection will increase by 5 in a few weeks once I get my next order from Frozenfire.

I don't really feel too good right now. I've been headachy and moody all day. I ran out of my Buspar yesterday morning, couldn't get to the pharmacy in time to get a refill, and worked all day today. I feel too crappy and loopy to go to the 24 hour pharmacy right now. I think most likely the missed dosage is what's making me feel so shitty. I'm also feeling mild dissociation with that "everything is fake/made of plastic" sensation. I just don't feel right and I'm also exhausted and irritable.

I've also been experimenting a little and have figured out that caffeine makes me really irritable, impatient, and easily annoyed. Instead of making me feel wakeful or energetic. So I need to refrain from having very much of that.

The weather is pretty decent. It's windy and a little chilly, so I've turned off my a/c and opened the patio door to let in the fresh air. It's been about 3 or 4 months since I last had the patio open because it's been too fucking hot. Now I can cut my electric bill in half by leaving my a/c off during the day and having the patio open when I'm at home. I still need to keep the blinds closed or it will heat up like a greenhouse in here, but otherwise it's pretty nice.

I'm barely conscious right now, so I need to eat and relax until this semi-dizzy feeling goes away.

jewelry!

Sep. 25th, 2010 02:48 pm
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My Frozenfire 10mm copper and emerald galaxies are seriously the best goddamn things EVER in the whole wide world. Like seriously. At 00g, I alternated from heavy steel no flare plugs and even heavier steel pinchers, and tugged at them and oiled them a bunch. My ears loosened up and stretched really easy, I was able to slip in a 10mm plug with no trouble. I know it's very soon but there was no resistance or discomfort at all.

So now my Frozenfire plugs are in my ears. It just felt natural, like I've been there for weeks even though it's been a couple days.

And these plugs are exactly what I wanted them to be, right down to a "t."

They show a gorgeous metallic copper with a pretty green "glow." Then as I move slightly, they flash brilliant emerald with copper flickering around. There's no angle where they DON'T twinkle beautifully.

Looking at photos of the copper on black, it looks like copper flashes green normally, but I think adding in the emerald gives it an even more striking appearance.

I could not be more pleased, and I keep checking the mirrors to look at them!

I've already ordered 5 more pairs. Two 10mm sets, two 11mm sets, a 6mm set for my seconds, and an 11mm glass taper, to use whatever birthday money I get plus the extra from an extra payday I get. Sooooooo excited.
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(She was talking about having to taking medication for pain and not liking that it's her only option
)


I know what you mean. I've had this anxiety and depression since my mid teens at the least, and for a really long time I didn't try to get help. I always thought that medication would give me "fake happiness" and that that was a bad thing. Plus the HUGE stigma against mental illness, the belief that being mentally ill was a weakness, and the perception that mentally ill people just didn't want to be happy or they're just whiny or doing it for attention, and so on. All of that made me afraid to really try to get this taken care of. I didn't want to be on medication for the rest of my life, and I hated the feeling that I was broken or crazy.

If I had had doctors that had taken me seriously, and if I had gotten past that fear of stigma, my life would have been so much better. Amazingly better. But instead I'm starting late, and that's frustrating.

But now I've come to terms with myself. I've finally learned that being mentally ill doesn't make me less valuable than anyone else. And I'm learning to not just like myself, but to love myself. My body modification is admittedly a big part of that self-acceptance. I like my appearance now, when I never had before. ESPECIALLY when Huw kept pressuring me and whining when I changed my appearance in a way he didn't like.

So I guess what I'm getting at is that it's okay to need medication, especially if it improves your quality of life.
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I'm in kind of a weird mood right now. I don't know how to describe it. Lots of wiggling whirling thoughts and emotions, but nothing that I can easily put into words.

I am working on some jewelry requests to send to Bill at Frozenfire. I want to get some double flare 10mm and some single flare 7/16 (which is 11mm). I feel that this will be a very good size for me, big enough to have a large selection of jewelry, and large enough for some designs I like that can't be made in smaller sizes, but small enough to not be blatantly obvious. Maybe some day I will go larger than that. I never had a solid plan or a goal before, I was just going to stretch until I felt it was right.

I like the way my ears look right now, especially with the stretched seconds being roughly half the size of my firsts. I'm sure that among bodymod communities it's not unusual, but where I actually live it isn't common at all. I've never seen someone in person with double stretched lobes, and I've gotten a few "even her second earrings are stretched!" I kind of like that sort of attention to be honest, especially since I hated my appearance for so long. Now, I look mostly how I want to, with relative freedom to change my own body, and that freedom has allowed me to stretch my ears. I am near my goal for both sets, though I am considering a conch punch on my right ear to "balance" both ears.

My left has my industrial (another piercing that I get a LOT of comments on, all positive), but my right only has the two lobe piercings. It gives me a little bit of a lopsided feeling. I don't dislike the asymmetry at all, in fact I prefer it, I think it is much more attractive than having the exact same piercings on both sides. But my right ear still feels sort of naked. A conch piercing at maybe 4g or 2g would be large enough to balance with the industrial.

I can't afford it right now, though, and I still need to be careful as far as work is concerned, as technically I'm allowed only two piercings per ear. So far, between the two district managers I've had, and the area manager (the one that enforces us hiding tattoos), none of them have made comment about my three left ear piercings. And no customers have ever said anything negative about them. My previous manager, the bitch at the store I started at, did write on my 6 month review that I did not "follow dress code properly". I read it and rolled my eyes- it was the only single negative point she could figure out to put on my review, and I got a full raise, so I put it at the back of my mind.

A month later or so, she finally mentioned it and asked if I was curious what that comment referenced. I told her I knew exactly what it meant but that obviously it wasn't a big enough deal for her to say something directly to me. Then I asked "so does that mean you want me to take one out then?" And she being a massive hellbitch, said yes.

So, within a week of me stretching that second lobe piercing to that size, I was having to take it out and put it back in every day. Which of course lead to it becoming very irritated, swollen, hot, and seeping pus/lymph. So I decided I'd only take it out when she was at the store, and lucky for me, I only saw her for a max of 2 hours a day. Within a week, I stopped taking it out (and my ear settled down when I stopped having to fuck with it all the time) and she never said anything again.

My new boss doesn't care and hasn't ever said anything about my ears, and on the review she wrote, it didn't mention anything to do with dress code at all. The new DM doesn't care either, if he's even noticed my ears. And all I get is compliments from my customers, and sometimes I get to share knowledge and help them if they seem interested or willing to listen.

So, here I am, pleased with my ears and my general appearance in a way I never was as a child, a teenager, or a young adult. It only took me 29 years to get here.

So, my birthday is October 27, and I am hoping for some cash. I'm not expecting a ton because I know times are tough for everyone, but I am sure that my parents will be happy to do that for me, as will my grandmother. I also get five pay days in October, so I can combine that extra cash with anything I get for my birthday, and begin my collection properly. It's an exciting idea, and I am going to ask for 5 or 6 pairs of jewelry to be made.

That's enough for now I suppose. I need a snack, and I'm marathoning Stargate: SG1 on Netflix, and I need to browse Bill's page to make a list of jewelry to submit to him for a quote.

Memories

Sep. 18th, 2010 12:36 am
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I started my scrapbook today, finally I don't have a lot to put in yet, but as I said to the woman at the craft store, it's therapy. It will force me to focus on happy things and to deliberately seek out positive things to put into it- my own cognitive behavioral therapy. I thought I never had anything worth remembering, so I'm trying to change that line of thought.

Getting tired now, so I'll be passing out soon. But I am pleased with myself and with my new gauge size.
senusenu: (D9 - Wikus - what kind of fookery)
Aaaaaaand

Grapes make my mouth and throat itch.

Fuck.
senusenu: (Can't brain)
I feeel like craaapppppp. I slept maybe 3 hours. Maybe 3.5 hours last night. Graveyard seriously fucks up my circadian rhythm. So I don't sleep well, and that sucks balls when I finish at 7/8am on a Wednesday, have to stay awake all day somehow, and then work at 9/10am on the Thursday. Fuck that shit. Ugh.

I have things to write about, and photos to post. I bought a scrapbook but have been so freaking tired and moody the last few days that all I've done is stick my pages in and drop a couple stickers on them as starting points.

I go this Monday for a review of my new medication (the Buspar) that I am taking in tandem with the Celexa. I'm closing in on three weeks and I feel like it has helped me tremendously. I haven't had an anxiety attack since I started it and my general anxiety baseline seems to have reduced a fair amount. I have had some anxiety episodes, but they have been brief and not as strong as they were before. So there's a positive.

I am nearing my goal for my ear stretching. I ordered two custom sets of plugs made of glass and holy shit are they beautiful in person. I still can't wear them but as soon as I can, there will be photos.

Now it's time to go to bed. I can barely think straight, and I feel like I'm going cross-eyed.
senusenu: (Insomnia)
I spent a few hours yesterday building a new bookcase and moving all kinds of stuff around. I was. Absolutely pain free all day, not even an Aleve.

Until I started doing stuff that any "normal" average person could do with no problem. And now I'm in agony. I need and want to sleep, but the pain is so fucking subversive that it's spreading. It started a couple hours ago, just an annoying ache. Now my joints are screaming at me and my torn meniscus is shooting pain from inside the knee and spreading partly down my calf, but extends well onto my thigh to my lower back.

I am not going to sleep like this, even with diphenhydramine. So, I took two of my dinky hydrocodones. It'll take roughly 30 minutes for relief to kick in, but until then I want to curl into a fetal position and cry.

I don't know how I lived with this before. Oh, wait, I didn't. I was about to lose my job because of pain and a severe depressive episode.
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Is it wrong that I think my ears are healthy enough for people to be jealous? Perfect placement despite them being gunned. Near uneventful stretching, thick, soft, seriously supple lobes that don't feel like they have any scar tissue at all.

I'm also amused to think that I have "perfect" ears that would be great for up to an inch because my lobes are so good, and yet I am stopping at 10mm, less than 1/2 of an inch XD

Then again, maybe some day I can move my 10mm plugs to my seconds and stretch my firsts to 20mm or so. Not that my stupid job would ever allow that. Sigh. Why can't people just fucking let people do what they want with their bodies? My earlobes are healthy, and don't effect my ability to do my job one bit, so what the hell does it matter?

Also, I'm bored as crap but I can't sleep.
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Having one of those moments I want to run around going PAY ATTENTION TO ME PAY ATTENTION TO ME.

Waiting for something to help kick me into being sleepy, and I need a shower/bath type thing. Might soak with some bath salts and then crawl into bed.

I watched the new Star Trek today and woohoo, I really enjoyed it- to the point I actually moved to my couch instead of watching from my computer desk and multi-tasking. Both of my cats came and cuddled with me, too, and I played with Ib's feet while he was trying to sleep.

God I am just so damn impatient for my new plugs to arrive. And to be able to stretch my ears that last little bit. WHY TO I HAVE TO WAIT UGH OMG.

Yay

Sep. 9th, 2010 02:15 pm
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I just looked at the calender, and in October, I get 5 pay days.

Woo. And my birthday is October 27! EXTRA PAYDAY FOR MEEEEEE!!!!!!
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